The Whangamata Whiskey Diaries..

Colombo Massive are fresh off their first tour. The following has been dubbed The Whangamata Whiskey Diaries…

After months of painstaking rehearsals, arranging and rearranging setlists, wardrobe detailing and a rigorous choreography regime, the time had finally come to answer the call to arms from the Smash Pipi and hit the road to Whangamata for the first tour of 2019.

Hitting the road at 0900 Friday the 29th March after Mattus Yahoo from Planet Wahoo and the legendary Barry Gibb had loaded the tour van. While Roblich 3000 was getting some highlights to his recently chemically straightened mane. Bam Bam and Amadeus agreeing to rendezvous at Smash Pipi, the journey began... well it was supposed to as we had planned to convoy down once the blue Roblich 3000 mobile (fresh from its paint job specially for Beach Hop) fuelled up. After ordering a burger then having it freshly made and consuming it Barry and the Yahoo couldn’t wait any longer and decided “Fuck it!” let’s hit the road as we were warned about the ominous traffic that could turn a 2 hour drive into a 4 hour Takanini motorway-like experience.

Anywho after battling the non existent traffic we checked into our luxury accommodation at The Martha Cottage Waihi. To be fair it was a bit disappointing as management promised that the bands demands would be met: jacuzzi, bottle of Hennessy, 8 dozen Corona on ice, Bluff oysters and a full Thai spa experience) . Apparently it wasn’t in the budget and in a fit of rage Mattus Yahoo went full Motley Crue and threw the TV out the window. Management issues are to be addressed at the conclusion of the tour.

After Calming Mattus down with half a bottle of tequila the string section decided a quick acoustic jam was in order before meeting at Smash Pipi at 1500 hours. Dealing with the traffic jams and finding parks the whole crew arrived all fired up except Amadeus who was dealing with a legal issue (something about loss of traction?? She didn’t really elaborate as a lawyer had advised her not to talk) Once again disappointment struck the band as the road crew had been cancelled last minute and the backstage requirements were missing. We had come too far to not let the show go on and decided to just wing it and set up our own gear and deal with the management later.

Lucky for us Bam Bam is a trained wire mover arounder and he moved all the wires around appropriately. We ran out of time to install the the spinning drum cage. NB it will be at our upcoming shows. WE WERE GOOD TO GO! After a quick feed of awesome burgers from the Smash Pipi and an hour in a food coma it was time to hit the stage. As we ran on to the stage to our backing track of Jail Break by AC/DC (which was ironic as we had just bailed out our first time keyboardist from the local constabulary) we were met to the local Waiuku catch cry/grunting sound of “Roblich! Roblich! Roblich!!”.

Colombo Massive began to tear the fuckin roof off Whangamata with the pure fury of rock n roll. Played how it should be - LOUD AS A MOTHERFUCKER!!! Banging out hits all night from pretty much every genre ever invented in the last 40 years. Finishing up about 12:30 as the bar manager wanting us to wrap it up as the massive gathering of punters had drunk the fridges dry. I think they didn’t quite estimate the pulling power that the Colombo Massive had.

A highlight/lowlight of the night was the impromptu “tits out“ part of the show. I’ve never seen so many fat, hairy middle aged men’s nipples.

Anyway that was wrap we came, we saw, we conquered. Back home to rage it up into the small hours, amped to do the whole thing over again as this is a fucking tour and life on the road can be gruelling! This is not a job you can call in sick for you know. After partying all night and finally waking up in a ditch about an hour before it was time to get back to Whangamata for sound check so we got the crew moving. I’ve heard that the sound of really loud cars is exhilarating and really good for hangovers and we so needed that in our lives! Oh and Barry Gibb had a hair and teeth whitening appointment.

SATURDAY SHOWTIME!!! Tonight was planned to be even bigger and we weren’t disappointed. At one point I’m sure there were cougars zip lining in, and popping out of the walls ninja style to the sultry tones of John Cougar Mellencamp’s Hurt So Good. It’s quite the phenomenon, it’s almost something you need David Attenborough narrating. Moving on with the show belting out hit after hit. Finishing up with John Denver’s Country Roads as the capacity crowd sang in unison, sending shivers down the spine of the whole Whangamata region.

LET THE REAL PARTY BEGIN! The tour was over and management finally got their shit together and organised a road crew to pack down all the gear. Which meant we could finally get on with what Colombo Massive do best and party like the rock stars they are! Peace out Whangamata, thanks for having us, see you next time!! ROCK N ROLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Disclaimer: Some of the details in this story may have been slightly exaggerated and embellished to enhance the lives of 5 middle aged people struggling to let go of the Rock n Roll dream. The tour really consisted of cups of tea and responsibilities.